Until I See You Again
by jstar1382
Summary: Chapter 8 AU – One night was all it took to change her course of actions…(Post 8x05) Beautiful cover art courtesy of Nadia.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I own nothing_

* * *

 ** _Until I See You Again_**

* * *

 _Chapter 8 AU – One night was all it took to change her course of actions…_

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

She returned later that night.

It wasn't fair to him; she knew she shouldn't have come back but she couldn't resist. She needed to see him. The pull of their love had always been strong, an unexplainable force that always brought them together, despite what was truly best for them.

With a sigh, Kate rested her forehead against the cold surface of the front door, trying to stop herself as her hand hovered for a minute before she ignored her inner voice and knocked. The sound was awkward and pathetic to her own ears, standing in the hallway in a building that was once her home.

No, it was still her home; she'd make sure of that. That was the whole point of everything she was doing, every action was a step to ensure she could come home again.

But not until everything was clear…

Not until LokSat and Rita and Bracken and Vikram and everything else from that case, was left in the past…

Not until it was safe for him – for them – to have a future.

A family.

She panicked when she heard movement from behind the door. God, she was stupid. She shouldn't be here. Swallowing back the bile that rose in her throat, she turned back toward the elevator, to leave before she hurt him again…

"Beckett?"

Damn.

"Hey, Castle…" she sighed, shifting on the balls of her feet while unconsciously gravitating toward the sound of his voice, the deep tone warming her veins.

"Were you leaving?"

"I didn't think you were home," she lied, screwing her eyes shut as the words fell from her tongue.

"Or you changed your mind and you were running," he concluded, his gaze falling on her as she turned to face him. She could only assume that the guilt she felt was clear as day, painted across her features as Castle arched his eyebrow at her hesitation. He had every right to be skeptical, hell she was questioning her actions at this point.

"I-um. I shouldn't be here."

No sooner had the words left her mouth and she was in the haven of his arms, safe within the strength of his chest in a life affirming hug. "Don't. You should always be here," he whispered, his breath washing down her neck and sparking each nerve ending that it touched.

"Castle-"

"You left your shirt on the bed." Her eyes met his as he ran his hand against her face, cupping her cheek, the pad of his thumb feathering along the delicate skin underneath her eye. "I thought – maybe – you'd still be here, but you left me the reminder that you had come and gone."

Kate tucked her chin down against her chest, shying away from his touch.

"I took one of yours, it was only right that you'd have one of mine," she said with a shrug, moving to lean against the wall, both still standing in the hallway.

"I'd rather have the woman that owns it," Castle stated, as he stepped closer to her, crowding up against her body and she sighed.

"You'll always have her."

"Doesn't feel like it. Feels like I've lost you." Fear shot through her body as shook her head, her eyes flashing to his.

" _Never,_ Castle. I love you." Her breath caught in her throat, her voice thick and broken as she tried to hold back a sob that threatened to break free. Before she could over think it, she reached her hand out to brush along the stubble of his jaw. "I miss you so much it physically hurts. I packed so slowly earlier, dragging my feet in hopes that you'd catch me – just so I could see you."

"You could've stayed."

"No. I couldn't, it's just – I shouldn't even be here now." As her explanation hung in the air, she felt her husband's grip tighten against her waist, his other hand moving into the unruly curls of her hair, like if he held her closer, the word wouldn't be true. "I need to do this. I need to fix this, on my own."

"What do you need to fix, Kate? What could possibly be more important?"

If she took the time to explain, if she kept standing there talking to him, she'd be exposing them both to the danger of her entire secret operation. Logically she knew it, but in a breath, she surged up and claimed his lips with her own. She might not be able to explain herself with words, but this, this she was perfectly capable of. The need for his touch overrode any rational thought on why she needed to leave.

"Castle, I –" she gasped.

"Don't. No more apologies. I'm done talking right now…"

A soft moan crept from her mouth as he slid his hands down her outer thighs encouraging her to wrap her legs around his waist. She welcomed his touch, her hips canting toward him, the feeling almost too much after so long without him, without this.

"I need you, Kate." His voice was like honey as his mouth worked along her jaw, finding the spot beneath her ear that only he knew existed.

"Inside," she breathed, all conscious thoughts lost to the sensation of his body moving against hers, every nerve ending was on fire and they were both fully clothed standing in the hallway.

Castle carried her through the door, walking them toward their room as she felt the hard press of him against her center, causing all discipline to snap. She was desperate for the feel of his skin on hers, in a way she hadn't been since their first night together. It was frantic but necessary.

She needed him, too.

(…)

The early morning light crept its way into the refuge of their room as alertness slowly spread throughout her body. Blinking her eyes open, she found herself wrapped in covers alone in their bed. If it wasn't for the fact that his scent was still pressed onto her skin, she would've thought it was all a cruel dream. After all, since she had left him, not a night went by that she hadn't dreamt of the warmth of his touch or the taste of his lips...

"I made you some coffee." His voice broke through the fog of her thoughts, as he walked  
toward the bed with a mug in his outstretched hand. She felt her heart flutter and offered him a small smile.

"Babe, you didn't have to-"

"I wanted to. I miss being able to," he whispered, pressing a kiss against her forehead before sitting down next to her on the edge of the mattress.

"We're going to get back to that place again," she assured, running her hand along his arm and taking a small sip from the cup.

"I hope so because I miss this the most – waking up in the morning, to have you cuddled up against my side."

Heat flooded her cheeks as she felt him staring.

"Only cuddle with you," she murmured into her coffee mug, fighting back a smile.

"I'd hope so."

"Pillows don't have the same effect."

She felt it as soon as the words left her mouth, the air shifted and the lighthearted mood turned cold.

"Where have you been staying?" he asked, his voice distant, as he avoided looking directly at her. Kate squeezed his hand, trying to save the moment, but he stiffened under her touch.

"We don't have to do this," she pleaded.

It didn't help. He practically jumped from the bed, like he had been burned from the contact of her hand or the meaning of her words. She could see the storm brewing within his eyes, but she deserved it. As much as she didn't want him to be angry with her, she couldn't believe it hadn't come to this yet.

"I can't know where my wife is sleeping at night?" Castle growled the question, no longer facing her as his voice bellowed throughout the space.

"It's nothing glamorous, Castle. Most nights I crash at the Precinct on the couch in my office, play it off like I was up late working."

He wasn't going to drop it, nor should he. That wasn't who he was, it wasn't what he did and that was exactly why she could be with him during this investigation. This conversation confirmed that even with the littlest thing, his curiosity overruled everything else.

Taking one more sip from her coffee, she let the taste and smell envelop her senses for a moment, avoiding what was to come. With a small sigh, Kate set the mug onto the nightstand and walked up to where he stood, wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her cheek against the bare skin of his back.

"But you took all of your clothes…don't tell me they're all in your office." The fight was gone from his tone; everything from the sound to his posture indicated how defeated he felt. Shame spread through her veins and tortured her stomach, but getting sick right now wouldn't help anything. She took a deep breath trying to calm her nerves and prevent herself from running into their bathroom.

"They're not. I have a hotel room."

"That's all you're going to tell me?" he asked, turning around to face her and resting his forehead against hers, the intimacy overwhelming her thoughts.

"Castle, please don't make this any harder than it has to be," she whispered, closing her eyes to force back any threatening tears.

"Make this any harder?" he yelled, pushing away from her. "Kate, you're my wife. _My wife_ , and I don't know where you are or who you're with or if you're fucking alive half of the time." Castle stopped for a beat, his mouth opened to speak, but he choked back tears that she realized were rolling down his cheeks. "Make this any harder? There's no way to make this any harder because this is _killing_ me."

"I should go…"

She bent down to gather her clothes that had been flung throughout the room, quickly throwing them on. It was best for everyone if she made a quick exit at this point. Everything she did continued to hurt him and she needed to stop. He deserved so much more than what she was giving him.

Castle followed her into the living room as she found her shoes that were thrown near the couch from their previous night's activities. "Is that how it's going to be?" he asked and she stopped dead in her tracks, eyes pleading with him to understand.

"It's killing me too," she admitted. "I came here last night because of how much I wanted to be near you. How much I needed you..."

"Then why are you doing this? Whatever it is, Kate, we can do it together."

All she could do was offer him a sad smile as she shook her head. "That's the problem. That's always been the problem and that's why I can't be here while I work through this."

"Because we can't work together?" he scoffed.

"Not on this, Castle," she exhaled, bringing her bottom lip between her teeth. "Never on this. I need my husband and partner, but the idea of you, working on this with me? It terrifies me."

"There's nothing we can't face together…"

"I need to take care of this alone, Babe and when it's done, if you still want me-"

She had to turn away, each word she said seemed to crush him more, the hurt ingrained in every inch of his expression.

"I will _always_ want you," he said, reaching for her hand to pull her back into his arms. "It just sounds like you're on a suicide mission. Let me protect you." He held her tight against his body almost to emphasize what he was saying. God, she wished she could stay. She wished so many things.

"No, Castle." She stopped to look up at him. "I'm doing this because I want to live. I want our happy ending, but you can't be involved. This is me, protecting you," she whispered against his skin, sipping one last taste from his lips.

"Kate-"

"I should go. I love you, Rick."

"Just wait- I can't stand not seeing you."

"You seem to be doing a good job working your way into the cases with the Twelfth," she  
said, turning back around with a careful smile. Her hand was on the doorknob and she was about to walk out on him yet again. She had to say something, had to lighten the mood to give him a small speck of hope even though she felt like everything was crashing around her yet again. He looked as if he'd offer anything in the world to get her to stay and all she could do was shy away from the love in his eyes. "And if all else fails, Castle, you could always fetch me my coffee."

Castle was quiet for a moment, long enough for Kate to grow concerned. It hadn't been the time for jokes. She should've been more sensitive to what she was putting them both through. Panic washed over her through another minute of his silence until she finally looked up to see a small smile on his face.

"I've been told I'm great at fetching."

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thanks for reading! I would love to hear from you!_

 _As many know, I'm a fan of season 8 thus far so I had this idea and wanted to see it play out on the page. Hopefully you all enjoy the journey!_

 _xoxo_

 _Thanks to my lovely beta squad._


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: To those that supported and messaged me...thank you..._

 ** _._**

* * *

 ** _Until I See You Again_**

* * *

 _Chapter 8 AU – One night was all it took to change her course of actions…_

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

She hadn't been able to find her bearings all day, seeing him that night, giving into the craving, had made this situation far worse than it had been before.

Each day since, without fail, she had found a French vanilla latte from their favorite coffee shop around the corner from the loft, set on top of her desk. Sometimes he would stay and chat for a bit about nothing in particular. His words never held the same buoyancy they once had, while sadness now clouded the careful smile he wore.

Other times he would leave the coffee before she had made it into the office, at all. On those occasions he would leave a small note, never overwhelming, but just a small gesture to show his love.

It didn't matter, however. The entire routine was just weeks of avoiding what was truly the issue. They were back in a holding pattern in their relationship.

Behind the closed doors of her office, Kate sat in her leather chair, elbows propped onto the desk, with the heels of her hands pressed deep against her eye sockets. This was all wrong. It had been hard, walking out with the intention of protecting him, but after the man from their last case had held him at gunpoint at the loft, she had started to realize that they would never truly be safe. Those words previously held weight when she used them while she was hunting Bracken, but in actuality they held true in their everyday lives as well.

Working for the NYPD was a risky career in general, but added to the fact that she hunted down some of the city's most dangerous killers? Her days were practically spent in the crosshairs. Then Castle had made her his new muse and from that point on he worked himself further into this precarious world of hers. Their lives were always one misstep away from disaster.

The more she debated with herself about her decision, the more she had a hard time convincing herself that this case was any different from the rest. Of course, those involved with LokSat had further reach and the stakes were higher, but the beauty of their relationship had always been that they were better together than apart.

Stronger.

Yet, she managed to let a woman that she had known for only a day, convince her that she should choose between the case and her husband. All because this woman claimed to be married to Castle's estranged father? She sighed at the thought. Sure, that hadn't been the only reason she trusted Rita. The woman was good at her job and she had saved her from the ambush. Rita had protected her and Vikram when all hope seemed lost but was that as black and white as it had seemed at the time?

She shook her head; it was too much to think about.

All the questions swirled around in her mind and prevented her from focusing on anything but the mess she had made of her life. She trusted the wrong people all while she pushed away the one person who had always had her back.

Kate took a quick sip of the latte. It had long gone cold since Castle had set it on her desk this morning before she made it into the Precinct. He hadn't left a message today other than a tiny heart drawn onto a pink post-it note. Sweet but everything she had needed in that moment, everything to confirm her need to fix them.

She lifted her head from her hands to stare down at her desk, hearing a buzzing from her phone.

' _Kate, I want to help. Please.'_

His message was almost instinctive, so well timed and yet he hadn't had a clue.

She hadn't even realized or suspected it herself until this morning, which ended up being the reason for her delay in getting to the precinct and missing his coffee delivery. They talked about it on occasion in the past while they were wrapped in each other's arms. It had always been discussed in theory, but they both wanted it. They dreamt about it, but never had she imagined it would happen like this.

Kate stared down at the small plastic applicator with the 2 pink lines mocking her and swallowed the instinct to jump at the offer. She couldn't let the emotions involved with pregnancy mess with her head. This had to be about their relationship first.

It couldn't be about _this_.

It always had to be about them.

' _Castle, this is for the best. I love you.'_

The words seemed harsh, but she didn't want to have a serious conversation through text messages with him. He deserved more, always deserved more, and it was about time she started showing him.

(…)

What was that?

 _That_ was her response? He finally had the nerve to reach out to her after weeks of the same pattern of walking on eggshells and _that_ was all she could offer him…

With a sigh, Castle turned his phone off, shoved it back into his pocket, and walked out the door. If she refused to let him in on whatever she was working on, well he wouldn't sit around in his office feeling sorry for himself. At the moment, he was between P.I. cases and he had just submitted his latest chapter to Gina - actually on time for once.

It was a nice day. Maybe he could walk through the bustle of the city, or maybe he could catch a movie at the Angelika, anything to keep his mind from drifting back to Kate.

(…)

He lost track of time.

Well not so much lost track of it, but he wouldn't acknowledge it. He refused to pay any attention to it, leaving his phone planted firmly in his coat pocket. It had been a nice day, or at least he had pretended it was. No matter what the weather and no matter what he did, all the actions were just that, action.

He was going through the motions of life, but the emotions, those were still with his wife. Without Kate, all of his feelings were worthless.

At one point, he had passed by his loft, not even considering going home. That word held very little meaning nowadays and most nights he'd rather sleep on the couch in his P.I. office. Good thing he had picked out a comfortable piece of furniture. Little had he known at the time that he would be spending so much time sleeping on it.

Traveling up the antiquated elevator, all he could think about was the vintage scotch that was waiting for him in his liquor cabinet. It wasn't the healthiest approach in dealing with the state of his marriage, but it was the only thing he had the energy for. Drowning his sorrows in the amber liquid and passing out on his couch, it wasn't his norm, but he was doing it far more than he'd care to admit to anyone, including himself.

Castle trudged through his office; the typical bounce to his step was lost to the weight of his thoughts and the grief that played over and over in his mind no matter how much he tried to bury it. Reaching up to his bookcase, he pulled down the _Complete Works of Edgar Allen Poe_ , his eyes briefly closing with exhaustion as the hidden door slid open to reveal the backroom.

"Castle?"

His eyes flashed open and his body stuttered to a halt at the sound of her voice. She was the last person he had expected to find curled up on the couch in his office.

"Beckett- Kate?" he asked, his mouth gaping.

"We need to talk…"

(…)

She watched as he just stood in the doorway, frozen in place, as guilt swirled in her mind. The fact that he was this shocked to find her here - that told her more than words could ever say.

In a matter of two months, she managed to damage something that took them years to build and she would move mountains in order to repair it.

"Kate?" he repeated, his voice cracking, before he hurried to clear his throat. "What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk," she said, shifting in her seat to give him room to join her on the couch. "I called you and left you a voicemail, told you I'd be here, hours ago…" Her words were shaky and her heart pounded against her ribcage while the importance of the conversation weighed on her mind.

Regret flashed over his expression as he slowly made his way to sit next to her. He faltered for a moment, but turned back to look her in the eyes.

"My phone was off. I thought your message earlier was pretty clear."

"I need to be careful – _we_ \- need to be careful," she rambled. "It's why I kept you out originally, but I can't, not anymore…"

She knew she was confusing him; it was etched across every inch of his features. Words were _his_ talent and she was failing miserably already.

"You need to explain, Kate. You're not making sense and I'm not about to make assumptions when it comes to you…" Her hand skated forward and gently squeezed his denim covered knee, the small touch sending tingles across her skin. She missed him more than anything.

"I want my partner back. I want my husband back, Castle. I want to come home."

"You-"

"If you still want me…" she added, gnawing down on the supple pink of her bottom lip. Those words caused him to surge forward as he reached out to bracket her face within his hands, pulling her firm against his mouth in a heated kiss and making her blood to thrum within her veins. This was not helping her focus on the conversation at all.

A soft whine fell from her lips as arousal coursed through her body. His movements were insistent and needy as his tongue ran along the seam, seeking entrance to deepen if further, exploring.

"If I still want you?" he gasped, pushing away for air. "Dammit, Beckett! I never stopped wanting you. _You_ were the one who left me," he snapped before pausing to take another breath. Kate could see his resolve crumble in front of her eyes, pleading in his desperation and she hated herself more than she had ever thought possible. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that…"

"No, you should've. You should say more. You should hate me for all of this."

"But, I don't. I could never."

"You have the right to be angry," she whispered, curling her fingers around his ears to bring him down for a slightly more chaste touch of their lips.

"I do and I am, but I don't hate you. I just need to understand."

"That's why I'm here, to explain." Kate rested her forehead against his, breathing him in, not wanting to move far.

"You came to my office to explain? Why couldn't we talk at home?"

"Not about this - _never_ \- about this. They could be listening. Might be listening? I don't know anymore…"

She was failing at explaining any of this because she was still so unsure of everything. After a couple months of her investigation, she had barely learned anything more than what she had known in the beginning. All she knew was, she was scared and if they continued this, they'd have to take every precaution possible.

"Who? Kate, you're not making any sense."

"The man who was pulling Bracken's strings."

"The person behind LokSat?" Castle stopped as the question escaped his mouth and he turned to look at her in horror. "That was what this has all been about? You were chasing after them alone? Without me?" he hissed, venom and fear, coloring every syllable.

"To keep you safe. To protect our future," she whispered, pushing away, giving them both space. Kate pulled one of the throw pillows into her lap, picking at the stray pieces of thread. She shouldn't be nervous, this was her husband, the man that she'd spent hours confessing her darkest secrets too. "It was all to keep you safe…"

"By going on a one woman suicide mission to save the world? Kate, you may be extraordinary but you're still human," he said, reaching for her hand and threading his fingers through hers.

"I had some help," she admitted.

"I thought you were doing this alone?"

"I was, I am, for the most part. Vikram has been helping with the IT side of things."

"Vikram?" He wrinkled his eyebrows. "How do you—how do you know you can trust him, Kate? This all started that day, with his phone call? How do you know that he's not involved?"

"I don't." Kate shook her head and scrunched her nose. "Not for sure at least, but I've been careful, Rick."

"Careful? We're a team, Kate. For better or worse, we're a team. Fuck, we're married. I don't need you to protect me from this. I just need to be there to have your back."

"You're not a cop, Castle," she said, shaking her head again and climbing into his lap, bracketing his hips with her thighs.

"I'm not, but that hasn't stopped me from saving you or helping you on countless occasions. I thought you thought more of me, more than just shutting me out…"

"Babe, I was doing this for _you_. I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you. To see Alexis or Martha have to live through the pain of losing you again? All of this was to protect you and our relationship. So we could-" She stopped herself from saying anything further. This fight was not the time to tell him about what she discovered this morning. She didn't want the news of their expanding family, tainted by this.

"Why are you coming clean now?"

"Because I'm being selfish," she explained with a slight laugh. "I can't do it without you. I don't want to do it without you anymore."

"I wish you would've been selfish all along. You have to stop being a martyr all the damn time."

"I promise to work on being more selfish," she hummed against the fabric of his shirt and he pulled her tighter into his arms.

"You better," he said, with a short chuckle before he pressed a kiss onto the top of her head. "Come home?"

"Already am." She sighed and sank into the warmth of his embrace.

"Good. We can face it all together. No matter what it is, no more secrets," he murmured against her temple.

Kate pulled away for a second to tilt her head up and claim his lips, missing the feel and the taste of his kiss. He needed to know how much she loved him, needed to understand that it was about them.

Always about them.

Not about this.

"No more secrets," she repeated, the words spoken along his lips. With a slight press of her hand as she cupped his face, Kate nudged him back so she could look into his eyes. Maybe this wasn't the right time, but she wouldn't lie to him or keep it from him, especially not now, not after promising to him. "One more thing…"

"What-" He paused for a second, arching his eyebrow before she slid her fingertips against his mouth to silence the further questions. With a hesitant smile, she ran her free hand along the stubble of his cheek, memorizing the feel.

"Castle, I'm pregnant."

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thanks for reading! I would love to hear from you!_

 _xoxo_

 _Special thanks to my lovely beta squad for making me work for the words in this chapter!_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: All mistakes are mine. Also- I do not know what is happening in 8x08, so all plot is based through 8x07 and my own imagination._

* * *

 ** _Until I See You Again_**

* * *

 _Chapter 8 AU – One night was all it took to change her course of actions…_

* * *

 **Chapter 3**

"You're-you're pregnant?" he asked, stuttering with wide eyes. She hadn't intended to tell him like this, but there really wasn't another option.

Giving him a moment to digest the words, she dusted her fingertips against his jaw before leaning forward to kiss the corner of his mouth.

"I'm pregnant," she repeated, as she pulled back.

"I don't – when? I don't understand." He stammered, eyes still glazed over in shock. He looked like a fish out of water and she couldn't help but giggle at how comical he looked.

"Do I need to explain how babies are made, Castle?" she teased. He smirked at the question and leaned forward to kiss her forehead.

"Funny, but no, I'm just surprised," he said, grazing his lips along her skin.

"Well that night was pretty amazing." She wiggled out of his lap to walk toward the mini fridge, pulling out a bottle of water and taking a sip.

"It was, but I didn't realize it was _that_ amazing." Castle paused for a moment as his brows furrowed, considering. "I thought you were on the pill?"

She had expected him to be upset, but he was calm, almost too calm. "Not for the last month. With everything else going on, I hadn't been great about taking them," she explained, her voice low. They had always been so careful when it came to birth control, even after the wedding, so this hadn't been the way she wanted to get pregnant. "I'm sorry."

He walked over and ran his hands along her arms, stopping to tangle his fingers with hers. "Kate, there's nothing to apologize for, I'm _ecstatic_." His words were thick, a broken gasp.

"You are?" She blinked in shock. How could he always be so supportive, so forgiving of the disaster she had made of their marriage? There was no way she deserved him. He brushed back the loose curls from her face and tucked it behind her ear.

"Kate, we're having a baby," he whispered, pressing his lips against hers.

"We are," she said, a smile stretching across her face. It was a crazy notion, and hell, she hadn't even fully come to terms with the idea yet. She could feel Castle stiffen his hold and his breathing stilled. "Castle?" His eyes flickered away from hers and glazed over again as he stared across the room.

"Is this why?" The doubt laced in his words shattered the temporary bubble of euphoria the news had brought.

"I'm not following…"

Of course it couldn't be that simple.

"Is this why you came back?" he asked, gliding his hand down to place it against her stomach. Castle rested his forehead against hers, his breath washing against her skin as he spoke. "You know I would support the baby even if we aren't together."

"No, Rick, _no_. I decided to come clean with you before I even found out," she said, cupping his face in her hands and guiding his mouth down to hers. He pulled back before their lips could meet, shrugging out of her caress. She'd be lying if she said the move didn't sting.

"Then why-?" Castle stalked toward his bar, fumbling with the scotch bottle before pouring a shot in the tumbler next to it.

"Babe, I was just trying to figure out the right way to tell you about everything." She watched as he downed his glass, wincing at the bite of the alcohol. Of all the times she could really use a drink… "With all my obsessing over talking to you, I didn't realize I was late until this morning."

"Just this morning?"

Kate nodded, staring at her feet as heat washed over her cheeks. "So I took the test," she said, pausing to swallow down the thickness in her voice. "I was – _alone_ – that wasn't how this was supposed to go, Rick. We should've been excited, _together_ ; waiting for the results, _together_ …I took that from us, because of this whole situation."

Tears clouded her vision as her emotions took over, flowing through her veins and heightening every reaction.

Damn hormones.

"Kate-"

Before she knew it, Castle had her in his arms, against the strength of his chest as her resolve completely broke, staining his shirt with her tears. She shook her head while he stroked her back, his touch releasing her tension.

"Castle, I love you," she mumbled into the fabric. "I'm sorry I made a mess of this. I'm sorry, but I need you to believe me. I didn't come back because of the baby. I didn't."

"Hey," he said, nudging her chin up to look into his eyes and guiding his lips to her. "I believe you."

(…)

Kate woke up alone the next day. She rolled over, expecting to finally enjoy the haven of her husband's arms, only to find the sheets cold and empty. It had been too much to hope that things were back to normal now that she told him everything.

She was naive to expect it.

Castle was understanding and loving to a fault, but he wasn't a doormat and what she had put him through wasn't something he should easily bounce back from.

Wiping the sleep from her eyes, she rolled off of the mattress in search of him. Her heart broke when she found him curled up on the couch in his office. It wasn't nearly big enough and his neck was bent in a way that would require a visit to the chiropractor.

"Castle…" she whispered, carding her fingers through his sleep tousled hair before caressing the lines near his eyes.

"Hmm…Beck-Beckett?" His voice was groggy and thick, as he blinked back the remaining drowsiness from his features.

"Babe?" she asked before he shifted, swinging his legs onto the floor. "Why are you on the couch?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"Looks like you didn't have much of an issue sleeping on the couch," she said, trying to keep her words teasing, but she couldn't help the hurt that seeped through.

"Yeah…" he mumbled, looking down at his hands.

"Castle, talk to me. Please?"

"I want to be okay with everything, Kate. I believe everything that you said yesterday." He turned to meet her eyes, bringing her palm to his lips, dusting a kiss against her skin. "You're back and that's the only thing I wanted this entire time. It's just - I'm just angry, Kate. You took actions that affected me and my life, and you didn't even bother talking to me about it."

"I know...I know and I'm sorry." Whispering her apology, Kate rested her head against his shoulder. The words were weak even to her own ears.

"We're partners, Beckett."

"We are," she agreed, threading her arm through his sinking further into his side. "And I didn't like when you made decisions to protect me back when you made the deal with Smith. I know I'm being hypocritical, but Castle, I'm a _cop_. It's my job to protect you."

Castle's hands braced her shoulders, easing her back as he shook his head.

"No, Kate. I'm your _husband_. We're in this together," he reminded, his words strong with unspoken desperation.

"I can't turn this off, Rick. I want too, but I need to make those behind this whole case pay for what they did."

"Kate," he said, running his hand down her abdomen before moving her shirt and resting against her skin, as if to embrace their unborn child. "Someone needs you more right now."

God, she was so messed up.

The thought of being a mom right now was terrifying. She would never be able to live with herself if something would happen to their baby, all because she couldn't let this go, but she craved justice. It was a need that latched onto her every thought and action. Everything was in shambles but an innocent life couldn't be responsible to pick up the pieces.

It needed to end before it was too late.

"I didn't want anyone I cared about to be involved in any of this," she whispered.

"Well if you continue with this, you have someone very important involved in this..." Castle's fingers fluttered against her abdomen, a move that was as subtle as a sledgehammer, but he was right.

"I don't know how to let this go, Rick." She rested her hand onto his hand, as his thumb traced circles against her skin. "But I want to – I _need_ to, with you."

He nodded and kissed her temple. "Together. We'll do it together."

(…)

Life carried forward and they found their rhythm again, stumbling along the way.

Things were far from perfect, but they were working to pick up the pieces and fix everything that had shattered in their time apart. Kate hated herself on most days, seeing Castle's uncertainty in both his words and his actions. It was almost like he was waiting for the last shoe to drop.

That day finally came about two weeks after she had moved back home and had walked away from the investigation.

Castle met her at the door, helping her out of her coat and pulling her to the couch. She had sent him a message after she left the crime scene, letting him know that Vikram Singh's body was found dead in his apartment.

"How'd they find him?" he asked.

Kate swallowed down the bile she had felt in her throat since she had left the scene. "Same way they found Allison Hyde," she sighed. "Self inflicted gunshot wound…"

"Staged or did he actually pull the trigger?"

"Too soon to tell. It was convincing, though." The images flashed behind her eyes, seeing the man that she had thought she could trust, lying in a pool of his own blood. Even if she wasn't dealing with morning sickness, the memory wouldn't sit well in her stomach.

"Was he in on it?" Castle asked, reaching for her left hand, tracing his thumb against her wedding ring. The move was most likely subconscious, but his touch had a calming effect.

"Think so. I suspected it for awhile." She closed her eyes and rested her head on the back of the couch, before taking a deep breath to try and ease her frayed nerves. "He had been overly curious about my personal research on Bracken and he had been pretty insistent that I stayed away from you. It was all really odd."

"Why was he worried about me?"

Kate turned back to meet his questioning expression, giving him a small tight-lipped smile and a shrug. Everything about this case was frustrating her, always more questions and not enough answers.

"I wish I knew, but he asked a lot about you and our relationship."

"Interesting," he said with an uncomfortable laugh. The whole situation with Vikram was awkward at best and now that he was gone, she was afraid she'd never learn the truth. Never learn who he really was and what his true mission was…

"Like I said, odd..."

"Maybe he heard about how we're better when we work as a team," he mused, as she rested her head against his lap and propping her feet up on the cushions. Castle must have felt the tension in the rigid movements of her body because without her even asking, his hands were running through her hair, massaging her scalp before he moved down to her shoulders. A soft moan slipped from her tongue, as his touch eased the stress of the day.

"I felt like we were spinning our wheels when he was helping with the investigation. We were getting nowhere fast," she hummed, as his fingers danced along her skin, making her lose her train of thought from the sensation.

"Was that when you suspected he was involved?"

Kate craned her neck to look up at him as she bit her lip. She couldn't help but feel foolish for the fact that her instincts were murky when it came to this analyst.

"I wanted to trust him, I did, but I just - there was something about him that seemed off. So I tested him…"

"I take it he didn't pass."

"Not at all, the information he gave me didn't add up. Even on the things I could check up on - so I tried to piece together information about him. I called a contact that I had from the AG's office and no one there had heard of him. Allison Hyde provided us with a false background last time..."

"And now he's the new fall guy for LokSat. Which confirms his involvement in the organization, but it doesn't make any sense," he stated. His hand stilled as his eyes glazed over, seeming to be lost in thought. Exhaustion was taking its toll on her body. She was about ready to skip dinner and suggest they head to bed early.

Pregnancy was killing her slowly.

"He was involved, but now we'll never know to what extent," she said, yawning. "He was upset when I told him I was dropping the investigation after I moved back home. He looked panicked."

"Apparently those that were holding his reins weren't happy with the fact that you walked away," Castle added.

Her eyelids were heavy, as she worked to pin them open, but she wanted to finish this conversation and if she continued to lie in his lap, she'd be asleep in the next couple minutes. With a soft sigh, she scooted up until she was sitting back on her heels.

"I just feel like an idiot for even trusting him for a second. Vikram or your alleged stepmother..."

"Which I still don't believe her story for a second," he scoffed and she nodded in agreement.

"In hindsight the whole scenario was off. It was almost like Rita was working to save Vikram and I was just pulled into the web."

"Could be. At least it should be over now."

"Let's hope."

"You told Vikram you were done before he was killed so the message should've been received by those involved."

Kate moved to wrap her arms around his middle as she leaned her head against his shoulder. "I don't like the idea of walking away from it all, but I need to focus on what's important now," she said, pressing her smile into the crook of his neck while he pulled her closer against his body. "You and our baby…"

"You know, they'll eventually find out about the baby."

She nodded. The idea of them knowing about the pregnancy made her sick inside, but it was naïve to think that they could shield their lives from it.

"If they don't already know, but I can't live life thinking we have a target on our backs. All we can do is just take things one day at a time."

"Together," he agreed, kissing the top of her head as their left hands tangled together.

"Always."

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Only the epilogue remains. Thanks for reading!_

 _Also thanks to everyone that had such kind words to say about this story._

 _xoxo_


	4. Epilogue

**_._**

* * *

 ** _Until I See You Again_**

* * *

 _Chapter 8 AU – One night was all it took to change her course of actions…_

* * *

Epilogue

It was a beautiful autumn day, the leaves just starting to change into the beautiful shades of gold and orange and red. The sun warmed their backs as the light shone through the branches of the tree they were hiding beneath.

Hiding in plain sight was their specialty; how they had lived all their lives.

Looking at the couple pushing their young son, Rita couldn't help the pang of wistfulness that shot through her chest. The scene was idealistic, the perfect, normal family, and as much disappointment that she felt knowing that she'd never get to be involved, she knew it was better this way.

Safer for them.

"Do they know how close it came?" he asked, walking up behind her with his voice low and she didn't need to turn around to know he wore the same forlorn expression. Seeing them like this, the nagging desire to be in their lives plagued both of their thoughts, but it could never be. They had jobs to do and the job always came first.

LokSat hadn't believed the idea that Captain Kate Beckett had dropped her investigation. There had been plans in place for her termination as well as the murders of her husband and all of those she held dear to her. The intel had been intercepted though; they had managed to prevent it before anything had been set in motion.

He might not have been the best father in the world, but Jackson Hunt couldn't knowingly allow someone to murder members of his family. His protective instincts were part of what she loved about the man.

"No, they've been entirely in the dark," Rita mused, turning back to look at her husband.

"Good. It's better that they don't know," he muttered, with a sigh, as he moved to lean against the trunk of the tree. She glanced back at the couple before joining Jackson against the bark.

"You've never stuck your neck out that far before."

"Maybe not," Jackson grumbled, wrapping his arm around her waist. "No one will lay a hand on them if I can help it. They're family. I'll protect my family over everything."

There was no secret when it came to his son and daughter-in-law's frequent run in with life or death situations; they were like moths to the flames of danger. If they were involved in helping with every one of those situations, they'd never have time to complete any authorized missions.

Yet, LokSat was different entirely. It was bigger than what either Beckett or Castle could have known. From her surveillance, Rita could tell Beckett had been so far over her head during her investigation and the moment she brought Castle into the mix, the target on her head and Castle's had been too big to ignore.

It had taken far longer than they had originally thought, but in the end they had taken down the entire organization with only a few fatalities on their side. The entire struggle was worth it, especially now, watching the scene play out in front of them.

"You're okay with it?" she asked, raising her eyebrow as his eyes narrowed, considering her question. "Even if they'll never know how close it came and what you did for them?"

Jackson smirked and nodded, always a man of few words and even fewer emotions.

"I don't want them to ever know. It's safer this way," he said, but his words betrayed him as his eyes darted back toward the playground, searching for the small family. "But I will say one thing, seeing _them_ – like this – makes me wish things could be different. Makes me wish we could be normal grandparents."

He was right. Checking up from afar, it always left her wanting, but things could never be different. They had burned far too many bridges to ever join mainstream society again. She leaned back against her husband as a sad laugh slipped from her lips.

"We'll just have to settle for being real life guardian angels."

"Maybe one day –" he hummed into her hair as she sighed. Missions had never been this hard before.

"He _is_ beautiful."

* * *

She had been wrong about Rita.

Her initial thoughts that she had been involved in the LokSat conspiracy were so far from the truth. Every move she had made, hadn't been for Vikram or LokSat, but it had been for Kate and her well being. It was so strange to think, but now knowing that she actually _was_ family, it all made sense, in a twisted way.

"Are they still standing there?" Kate asked, pushing their son, James, gently on the swing set, avoiding looking in their direction, trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible.

"They are. They're still keeping watch," he said with a nod, glancing over his wife's shoulder to take a peek before moving next to her to smile at their giggling baby boy. "For a couple of experienced agents, they're pretty obvious."

If she were being honest, they had been pretty obvious this entire time. Even though she had quit the day to day investigation of LokSat, she had suspected that this wasn't something that she could just walk away from in one piece. When she had shared her fear with Castle, he agreed, deciding to increase security measures around the loft and his PI office. He had wanted to go as far as hiring her a personal bodyguard, but that idea was quickly vetoed by her already fragile ego. Pregnancy hormones had made her slightly neurotic.

It had been through the increased surveillance that they had caught wind of his father and Rita snooping around. Before long, they had come to realize that Jackson's sudden re-emergence was related to LokSat. A couple of times when evidence or leads had made their way across her desk, they would notice Rita or Jackson from a distance, always from a distance. After too many close calls averted by mysterious shadows, they understood even more what the agents were up to.

Who needed extra security when you had world class secret agents watching their backs?

"It's been a month since the last time. Nice to see they're still around."

Translation – nice that they weren't dead. When they hadn't seen them lurking, they had grown worried that something had gone wrong. A sinking feeling had plagued her stomach, both for Rita and Jackson as well for the fear of the unknown for her own little family.

"It must be over," she murmured, leaning into the warmth of his protective stance behind her as he brushed his arm across his abdomen, drawing her closer.

"If they're both standing there – _alive_ , it has to be."

Kate looked up at the conflicted expression on his face, worry lines etching underneath his eyes as his lips formed a tight smile. He always had a messy relationship with his father, but the knowledge that they were fighting on their side, to protect them when they had James to worry about? It complicated things further.

"Should we invite them over?" she asked, twisting to rest her head on his shoulder to peek over his coat and sneaking a glance at the pair still resting against the tree. They looked peaceful, almost happy.

"Pretty sure my father only makes his presence known when necessary," Castle mumbled. She knew he didn't particularly love talking about the man, but it was unavoidable when they made these appearances. He shrugged at her, his shoulders rolling forward, almost defeated, as he walked over to pull their son from his swing.

"Does it bother you? He'll never know James…"

Kate watched as their little boy cooed in Castle's arms and playfully slapped his cheek with a loud giggle. Castle's eyes lit up in response, the dark brooding disappearing with the short embrace of their baby. Maybe Castle hadn't had the most amazing father, but that certainly hadn't stopped him from becoming one. There was no one in the world she'd rather have raising a child beside her.

"He won't, but that's okay," he confirmed, pressing a kiss against James's head before turning and placing a matching one into her hair.

"It makes you wonder how different things would be if he was involved in our lives," she mused. She looked up at her two men, grinning as she met Castle's hand on top of their son's back.

"The butterfly effect," he said, shaking his head. "Who knows what that could've changed in our lives? We may not have James, right now." She nodded; just the smallest change in their lives could've set them all on a different path. There were times that she had wondered where her life would've been if her mother hadn't been murdered, but she couldn't think like that anymore…

It was impossible to even imagine.

"We might not be together. Hell we may not have even met." Kate looked up to find her husband staring down at her with a playful curl to his lips before his free hand skated along her spine, to pull her tighter against him. She felt him lean slightly, the warmth of his breath washing over the shell of her ear as the rich tone heated her veins.

"Impossible. Katherine Beckett, every road would always lead to you."

* * *

 _ **The End**_

 _Thanks to everyone you read and enjoyed this story. This hadn't been the exact ending I originally planned on when I set out to write this story. This was initially going to be a full multi-chapter, but the constant plague of hateful S8 directed reviews made it impossible to continue writing it how I had originally intended to._

 _However, I refuse to leave something unfinished so I turned this Epilogue into a summary of sorts of what the original plan would have been while still leaving Castle & Beckett with a resolved hopeful ending._

 _xoxo_

 _Thanks to my lovely friends who were also wonderful betas._


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